Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
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Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume