Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
You Might Also Like
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.