[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
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make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Selfie
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Breaking news:
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.