make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
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*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.