“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
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They’re stuck in your pants?
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
This came to me in a dream.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift