Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
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Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*