“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
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friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.