friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
You Might Also Like
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.