Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.

What’s your favorite position?

Me: sleeping

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

me: (11 pm) 😴

me: (1 am) 😴

me: (3 am) 😴

me: (5 am) 😴

me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!

Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.

Not Sorry.

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything

Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!