My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
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Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
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That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter