I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
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Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.