I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
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*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
That eye roll….
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*