That eye roll….
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I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?