Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!

Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band

March, April May

I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches

When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.

Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.