I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
You Might Also Like
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
oh my gosh!!
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet