[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
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On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.