The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
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“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld