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“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
This is a true ally.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple