@weirdlilguys
@PoodleSnarf *getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
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@PoodleSnarf 
@DaAwkwardLauren I’m being attacked 😭
@sofarrsogud [my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
@unravelingfire Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
@meantomyself You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
@FrogAvalanche “Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
@XplodingUnicorn 5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
@TheBoydP Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
@markydoodoo But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
@curlycomedy The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.