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@PoodleSnarf

*getting ready for bed*

Me: Oh did you lock the front door?

Burglar: I’ll go check it

Me: Thanks hon

Wife:

@sofarrsogud

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow

@unravelingfire

Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED

@meantomyself

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

@FrogAvalanche

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?

Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.

5: Because Mom is scary?

Bingo.

@TheBoydP

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

@curlycomedy

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.