how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
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Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
You know…for fall…
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
felt that
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”