[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
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This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
i smell a pulitzer
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..