Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
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*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I feel this so hard
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!