I feel this so hard
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Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I’m not wrong
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Cats are still liquid.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.