I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
You Might Also Like
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.