Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
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Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant