No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
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BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
guys i’ve cracked the code
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year