Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
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Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I鈥檓 sorry for a lot of things but I鈥檓 not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don鈥檛 dress as Indiana Jones, what鈥檚 even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
it鈥檚 amazing when it鈥檚 ur birthday 馃檪 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there鈥檚 200 more and you鈥檙e not allowed to look at your phone.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
It鈥檚 taken 7 years but I鈥檓 beginning to see the correlation between my kid鈥檚 hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Travel bloggers during quarantine