Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
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You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day