Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
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friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Has there ever been a more American story?
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7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.