I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
You Might Also Like
I finally found a reason to live again.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao