[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
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Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
ok this is my dumbest yet
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.