If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
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doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
😲 WTF? 😆
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
There is wisdom there.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.