In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
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QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Van Gone
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”