Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
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Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?