Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
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Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Me too door. Me too.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”