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Why I divorced her.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.