my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
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Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game