No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
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[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder