I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
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It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
is this a warning or an offer?
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?