I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
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. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.