I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
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Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Autocorrect completely socks
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.