Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
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That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.