You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
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If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.