How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
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Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Van Gone
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do