Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
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[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend