My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
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I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.