My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
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When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again