I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
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Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.