When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
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They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Gemma Correll
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread