The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
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Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used