So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
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WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat