@froghammer

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

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@slimmy_shady

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

@MichaelTrying

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

@Writepop

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.

@wittwitbarista

Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?

@Crazy_ButCute2

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

@daemonic3

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

@shahrouzt

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.