Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

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Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”


Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.


This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.


Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.


Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?


I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”


Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD


Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.