@slimmy_shady Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
@froghammer Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
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@slimmy_shady 
@Ideal_Victoria I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
@MichaelTrying Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
@Writepop This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
@UncleDuke1969 Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
@wittwitbarista Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
@aimlessamers @funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
@Crazy_ButCute2 I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
@daemonic3 Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
@shahrouzt Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.