Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
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Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
This is painfully accurate 😅
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.