Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
You Might Also Like
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads