Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
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Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Can. I. Help. You.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.