[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
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Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
when you are just born a rebel
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.