“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
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PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
#DesignFail
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.